What’s On My Heart

Sometimes I want to stop. Everything. Just stop time, forever.

Other times I want it all to fast-forward. Run through moments, make them pass quickly, as if to move on from something bad, or to reach something I’ve been longing for.

I can’t really count those moments, neither type, actually, because I guess it happens quite frequently. It can be anything from sitting in a room with a close friend or a group of friends and just begging for that moment to last forever, to always feel that happy and safe. To wanting to sink through the floor when thinking of some unrequited love that doesn’t even deserve me, and only return hours, days, weeks, months later when it has vanished.

The thing about moments is that they pass, we can chase them and try to get them back, but at the end of the day, they’re already gone. Sometimes we might wish they never came along in the first place – but they’re still gone, and we mustn’t forget that.

Moments, collected, define who we are. The total sum of all our experiences, the people we’ve met, the situations we’ve been put in, become our history. Like, you know, the story of my life is made up of those moments, those that I want to forget and those that I try to cling on to. Either way, they’re often repeated in our mind, over and over again.

Maybe all this is so obvious that you’re laughing at this text right now. But it’s what’s on my heart. I’ve recently been thinking a lot about moments that I have lost, people that I have lost that somehow created my being and held me together. I guess it’s because what happened in Stockholm last week. It really hit me, shook me to my core. When I got the news at a department store in Paris I wanted to fall to the floor. I wasn’t sure my legs would be able to carry me but I wanted to seem strong for my friend who was in my arms, in tears. When I opened my phone and saw endless notifications from my group chats with friends from school, from my hometown and from work desperately trying to make sure that everyone was OK I felt my heart pounding harder, faster, than ever before.

“Is everyone okay?”

“Where are you? Are you guys safe?”

“Are you alive?”

I’m grateful, though, I can’t stress that enough. None of my friends and family were directly affected by what happened. And none of my amazing colleagues here at Nordic Style Magazine. Isn’t that weird? Is it a coincidence? Why none of us? Why them? And why an innocent child? I don’t get it. Well, I suppose none of us do. Regardless, the moment will define all of us. And it’s one of those that we just want to forget, fast-forward, or better yet – make it undone.

What’s on your heart?

From the Nordic Style team on the attack in Stockholm April 7, 2017:
Our thoughts are with the victims and their loved ones. We mourn with them, and in the sorrow we try to find strength.